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Thread: Chilli Cook-Off
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29-08-2020, 05:36 PM #1
Chilli Cook-Off
So, this morning I found this in an old email folder. It was sent to me years ago by someone in the USA who I used to play online poker with. It might make you smile, or even LOL.
Chilli Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chilli cook-off in New Mexico.
Note: please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a chilli cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.
Judge 3 was an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: “Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native New Mexicans) that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
Chilli #1 - Mike’s Maniac Monster Chilli
Judge 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
Chilli #2 - El Ranchos Afterburner Chilli
Judge 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
Judge 2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli #3 - Alfredo’s Famous Burn Down The Barn Chilli
Judge 1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3 - Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chilli #4 - Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..... Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli #5 - Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Jalapeño peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeño peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them .....
Chilli #6 - Varga’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chilli #7 - Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli #8 - Big Tom’s Toenail Curling Chilli
Judge 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chilli?
Judge 3 - No report.
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29-08-2020, 06:41 PM #2
I think the above should be taken with a pinch of salt..
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31-08-2020, 05:37 PM #3
You’re right, it can’t be a true story, after all, Frank has obviously lost the plot by latest Chilli #5 so, unless he was using a dictaphone, which seems unlikely, he can’t have been taking any notes ......
But this story - which is true, I was there - might make you chuckle.
The sorting of old email folders on Saturday (which unearthed Frank’s story), was to kill time before doing a Speed Awareness Course. Due to Covid-19 the course was online. You can see the other participants, briefly, at the beginning of the course - during the course you can hear the others, but only the instructor can see everyone. The course lasts about 2.5 hours with a 10 minute break about halfway through. When we returned after the break the instructor started the next section of the course but after a few minutes interrupted herself to utter these immortal words:
”Umm, Dave?”
[silence]
”Dave .... Dave?”
[silence]
”Dave, wake up!”
[silence]
”DAVE!!”
[silence]
”WAKE UP DAVE!!”
[more silence]
Poor Dave never did wake up, was booted off the course, and will have to repeat it for another £89 ....... To be clear, Dave did in fact wake up about 15 minutes later, but by then it was too late for him to rejoin the course.Last edited by LouiseR; 31-08-2020 at 05:45 PM. Reason: Dave didn’t pop his clogs
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Frimley Koi keeper Thanked / Liked this Post
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01-09-2020, 12:32 PM #4
I am a chilie devil and every year i grow Dorset naga, bhut jholokia, Carolina reaper, Trinidad Moruga and many others, don't know what happened but it's been bad this year the plants were not healthy, any way few years back the wife made as usual the chilie sauce, OMG it was the hottest sauce ever, gave some to a friend who's cousin loves extreme hot sauce, he later told me that his cousin had his mouth under the tap, he then advised me to sell it to the Russians.
Human life is truly a short affair. It is better to live doing the things that you like Inazo Nitobe
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09-10-2020, 04:59 PM #5
Not this year unfortunately but usually I grow superhots. Last time it was Bhut Jolokia and Trinidad Scorpion. Also perfume varieties (no heat). What's nice about the proper Dorset Naga (I grew them years ago) is the pinapply/orange/citrus tang they have. Szechwan/hot sweet and sour never tasted as good
I'll take them into work quite often; favourite response the next day was "it was like cooking with tear gas. The heat was ...Biblical. Got any more?"
There's a few sources I like - the main one is Unbranded Infantry by hot pods: https://www.hotpodschilliproducts.com/shop-114000l, my mutts: Chargoi (2010), Doitsu (2022), Tancho (2022), Kujaku (2022), Hi Utusri (2022)
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Frimley Koi keeper Thanked / Liked this Post
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09-10-2020, 05:48 PM #6Human life is truly a short affair. It is better to live doing the things that you like Inazo Nitobe
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Frimley Koi keeper Thanked / Liked this Post
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09-10-2020, 05:55 PM #7
They are still extremely hot
Human life is truly a short affair. It is better to live doing the things that you like Inazo Nitobe
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Frimley Koi keeper, freddyboy Thanked / Liked this Post
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09-10-2020, 06:10 PM #8
my younger brother gave me some Carolina Reaper and Trinidad Scorpion Butch T Peppers which he grew this year, sweet Mary mother of Christ i have never tasted anything so hot , i could not even finish a quarter, yesterday i put on some gloves and took all the seeds out, chopped them to small pieces put in a zip bag and chucked into freezer, will use later when courage comes back from where it runaway to.
Human life is truly a short affair. It is better to live doing the things that you like Inazo Nitobe
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09-10-2020, 06:23 PM #9
Someone gave me some Scotch Bonnet chillies a few years ago and we used one to make some chilli sauce.
The finished sauce was like napalm and unusable so we halved the sauce added the same amount of yoghurt and a bit of sugar and even that was too hot to eat so we halved that topped up with yoghurt and added more sugar which made it hotter than a Indian Phall curry but was at least usable as a sauce.
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SamuraiJack, freddyboy Thanked / Liked this Post
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09-10-2020, 07:06 PM #10
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Frimley Koi keeper, freddyboy Thanked / Liked this Post
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09-10-2020, 07:09 PM #11
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freddyboy Thanked / Liked this Post
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09-10-2020, 07:09 PM #12
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Frimley Koi keeper Thanked / Liked this Post
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09-10-2020, 07:14 PM #13
Apparently so.
2M on the Scoville scale, in comparison scotch bonnet is about 350,000
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09-10-2020, 07:15 PM #14
The Scotch Bonnets are pretty hot as the person that gave them to me said 1/4 of a chilli was enough for a curry for over 10 people
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09-10-2020, 07:17 PM #15
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09-10-2020, 07:20 PM #16
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freddyboy Thanked / Liked this Post
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09-10-2020, 07:20 PM #17
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09-10-2020, 07:22 PM #18
Where can you buy the seeds from for the hot ones?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Frimley Koi keeper, freddyboy Thanked / Liked this Post
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09-10-2020, 07:28 PM #19
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09-10-2020, 07:32 PM #20
I'm not sure if the mega hot ones will need special growing conditions as I grew some fairly mild chillies on my bedroom window. I must have got over 100 chillies off each bush.
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freddyboy Thanked / Liked this Post
Best plants to remove Nitrate
pug has a very impressive veg filter on his pond, have a look at some of his his youtube videos....